Breaking Destructive Patterns

In the book, Peace from Broken Pieces, Ms. Iyanla starts by detailing a very traumatic experience in her personal life that shook her to her core but this shaking caused her to further realize her purpose and become more of who she was called to be.

She says, The good news is that when you have something to do, life will not allow you to move forward until you do it.  The bad news is the same.”

Well, damn, that explains my current struggle and honestly past ones as well.    A little background about me, I’m recently unemployed after being at a job for 5 years that I did well but hated, the dislike was gradual.  I went to another office, doing the same exact thing, was there for 6 days and felt like I had been there for 5 years, the anxiety, stress and the heartburn that took 2 years for me to get at the other job was there in 6 days, so I quit.  I’ve recently obtained my real estate license, which is tied to one part of my destiny.  Because of this I’ve been temping with a small agency that works in a form of real estate, not necessary what I want to do with my license but it is something for now…it’s barely paying the bills, okay, it’s not paying the bills.  I may need to ask my father can I come and stay with him for a while. How humbling is that, who wants to stay with their parents at 35. Anyway, I’ve applied for numerous jobs, gone on five interviews and have yet to find a job…mind you, in the not so distant past, if I made it to the interview; I always got the job, so this is just baffling to me. I believe I know why I haven’t found a permanent job, because when you have an entrepreneurial spirit, it shines through, it’s almost like a veil or cloak that you can’t hide and all of these employers saw it.  This is even after having great camaraderie with the interviewer, so it seemed. That being said, Iyanla explains that “first you are humbled, and then you get clear. Once you’re clear about who you are, what you do and what you are being called to do, you become powerful…you character becomes stronger, You’re propelled to a higher level of responsibility for yourself; into a deeper appreciation for all of the pieces in your life and into a deeper level of accountability to God.” (paraphrased p. 3)  She further explains, that fear will make your resistant, rebellious, defiant and disobedient.” (p. 3)

Okay, so why did I stay at a job for 5 years that I was good at but didn’t like doing.  Because I’ve always been taught to take what I can get, without question…til this day, my mom is still insisting that I call the dentist that I worked for and try to get my job back.  When I told her that I was leaving, she said but he’s a nice guy and has even given you advances when you needed it, she also said and it’s easy for me, meaning her, to get to your job.  Well, if I have to get an advance because I don’t have enough to pay for the bare necessities, ie car note and rent, then I need to find another job anyway.  Well, that’s what I did…sort of.  One night I was having yet another conversation with my bestie, check out her blog,  about how much I can’t stand this job and how it has no bearing on what I’m called to do in this life. On my way home, that very night, one of the temps who had worked at the office a few months prior, sent me a text message saying that the dentist she works for is hiring.  I had mixed feeling about it but thought, what the hell, I’ll send my resume and if they can offer me more than this, then surely this is an answer to my prayers.  Wrong, wrong, wrong…I hated the job, not the dentist I worked for, although he was/is a little annul and sometimes condescending, he wasn’t a bad guy. THE JOB IS WHAT I HATED, WHY WOULD I APPLY FOR A JOB THAT I DIDN’T LIKE DOING, there was no upward mobility. Because again, “the take what you can get mentality” that I was operating in. Anyway, sent my resume, went on the interview and because I had an inside scoop, the temp who told me of the job, let me know that it went great and that they really liked me, but if I really wanted to impress them, to send them a thank you card, because that would give me a huge boost.  Well, I not only sent them a thank you card, I sent the staff an Edible Arrangement…an $80 fruit basket, I’ve never done that before and I never will again.  I’d now advanced the mentality from “take what you can get”, to “take what you can get and send them a gift to let them know you’re grateful to be at the bottom” mentality.

Well, that Saturday, the dentist’s wife, the office manager, calls me, I was sitting on the toilet…not sure why that’s relevant but anyway, and tells me that they would like me to join they’re staff and that I would be making this amount and benefits would be this and that.  Now, when someone calls to let you know you got the job, you should be excited, I was not.  I was doubtful from the beginning but I was also blinded by the fact that I would be making almost $15K more per year and would get medical benefits, which I didn’t have.  I’ve never been money driven, but this time, I convinced myself that this was the answer to my prayer, honestly I knew it wasn’t.  I wasn’t doubtful about the dentist or if I could do the job, I knew I could, I had done it successfully for almost 5 years.  I was doubtful because it was the last thing I wanted to do and I knew deep down it was a trap.  I accepted the position.  I literally said 3 words during that conversation, Thanks, that’s great.  I got off of the phone and thought, what the hell am I doing.  I called my bestie and let her know I’d gotten the job, she was thrilled because I acted like I was thrilled but at the same time, I also talked about how I had no intention of staying at this job for more than a year.  I was talking about leaving that job the same day I got it…not a good sign.  She was supportive as she always is, she will check me if I’m in the wrong, which is why she’s a good friend.  Well, that Monday, I gave my 2 week notice, and the dentist was sad but said he understood and he had known it was coming because he knew I was interested in real estate.  When he asked me where I would be going, I told him another dental office, he was utterly confused, as was I.

What destructive patterns have you followed and know that you need to stop but haven’t? Why haven’t you stopped?

Until Next Time,

Be Blessed, Be loved but most of all BE YOU!

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