“The wounds inflicted by adults on children, passively or actively, are more than devastating but debilitating…they distort and deplete the child’s God-given right to explore the possibilities of life and experience the joy of living out his/her own divinity” Iyanla Vanzant’s Peace from Broken Pieces. P. 66-67
So, what did I allow in my life. A man that was emotionally and physically unavailable. I met this man while I was on a ministry trip in London. Honestly, I didn’t even pay attention to him but apparently he noticed me. We became good phone buddies and he served the purpose of the healing that God knew I desperately needed. That was the reason. There’s always a reason, a season or a lifetime, be careful because you can get them confused. The problem came when after years of friendship, 7 to be exact, we tried to make it into something else. And what we did in the end, was ruin the friendship. This man listened like no other, we could talk about anything and everything…that’s all we could do, hell, he was 3500 miles away. I know now, that that was God’s only purpose in establishing this relationship. But I developed the hero syndrome. I fell in love with this man and was basically devastated when he couldn’t deliver what I needed physically. In hindsight, I’ve noticed that it was completely insane for me to ask, considering, again, he was 3500 miles away and of course the 5 hour time difference made it even more difficult. If I got home at 9 pm from a long day, I couldn’t call him, it was 2 am there. He couldn’t be there to give me a hug after a long day, he couldn’t take me out to dinner, we couldn’t go to movies…we couldn’t date and relate. We saw each other twice in that whole 7 year period. Let me dispel the cliché, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”…that BS is a lie. I can tell you that first hand. Let me tell you what absence does do, it makes you frustrated, lonely, angry and horny. I told this man, several times that I loved him and was in love with him, I don’t remember him ever telling me, not once. The nail in the coffin was him actually saying to me, “Marcella, you are my friend right”, not his girlfriend. What I learned from that statement is that although, WE had decided to try to make it into a “romantic” relationship, he wasn’t ready. It’s like pushing a 2 ton cart up a hill. If you both aren’t putting forth effort, it’s futile. And after all of that, I ended up feeling like I’d wasted years pining for a man that I would never have. It took a year for me to get over that hump, but God knew that he had to remove him in that fashion, because it stopped me from comparing every guy to him. He was not and is not God’s ideal for me. We tried several times to make it our ideal…it never manifested. By the end, we disappointed each other so much, we damaged the relationship…we haven’t spoken in over a year. That incident happened a little over 2 years ago. After, we overcame that hurdle and tried to go back to being friends, the damage was done, so a friendship is dead. Our expectations for one another were unrealistic.
Where did I learn to desire unavailable men? From both my mother and father. My mother “dated” men that were in jail…unavailable; living with their parents…unavailable; I can even remember a couple of married men…unavailable. My father, shit, he just wasn’t there ie unavailable. What did that teach me? That some men can be all talk, good talk, loving talk but when it comes time to deliver…they’re mouth can write a check that their ass can’t cash. THIS IS BY NO MEANS ALL INCLUSIVE…I am not a man hater, I loves me a good-smelling, handsome man, lol!!! That relationship, helped me to see the gift that men can be, he was a good listener and a good friend, inevitably healing that dysfunctional part of me that was destroyed due to molestation. He was God’s leading man in that area of my life. The detriment only came after WE tried to make it into something else. Remember always, there’s a reason, a season or a lifetime. Be sure not to try to make one into the other.
Are you available to those that love you? Are you trying to make something out of nothing? Are you chasing unavailable men, whether physically, emotionally or spiritually?
Until Next Time,
Be Blessed, Be Loved but most of all BE YOU!!