“Knowing”

Have you ever known something, but you didn’t want to know what you knew so you pretended as if you didn’t know.

Well, that’s the situation I find myself in right now.  I went back to school for massage therapy and I graduated in April 2016.  Desperate and in despair, because I had been out of work for a couple of months,  I needed to start in my field asap.   But the catch was that I hadn’t taken my national exam and I hadn’t received my license.  So, when I found an employer who would work with me, with my provisional license, oh so I thought, I jumped at the opportunity.  Not wanting to believe I was jumping into foolishness, I put my gut feelings, instincts and premonitions to the side.  Damn, damn, damn, WTF.  Why would I do that?  Because I blew up my life…again.  You know, I’ve always thought stability was something I wanted, but I think deep down, the unknowingness excites me.  But had I paid attention to my intuition,  I wouldn’t be in the space I find myself.  My instability, is mine and no one elses.  I’m not married and I don’t have any children, however, when my instability starts to disrupt others lives, I have to reevaluate my circumstances and even my selfishness.  Yes, my selfishness.  Being free can manifest your selfishness and your foolishness. Okay, so I’m the nomadic gypsy, I’m the wanderer, the free spirit…great, but when you’ve done things and bought things that require stability and others name are attached as well.  Your freedom you realize aint free.  So, I started a job in May, thinking that I was operating under a provisional license.  My car had started to die, but honestly it would’ve lasted a bit longer than I had given it credit to.  So, I decided that I needed another car, to get to this fabulous job, that’s 45 miles from my home.  So, I bought a new car, not brand new but new to me, a 2014, my old car was a 2001, but it was PAID OFF.  Me, having credit issues at this juncture, because of blowing my life up before, needed a co-signer.  My mom, apprehensively, comes to my rescue.  And co-signs.  Mind you,  I’d only been at my job for 2 weeks…wtf.  Hindsight is 20/20.  So, I applied for my license a few days before I’d started this job and was told by several people that the provisional license was the receipt of your having paid for you full license.  A couple of weeks after I started I took my exam.  Now, I’m thinking that all is on it’s way.  That all is coming together, that all is copacetic.  How wrong I was.   Fast forward a couple of months and I find my pending license is under investigation for unlicensed practice and now I’m unemployed, unemployable..as a MT at this time and have a car note that’s due with mine and someone else’s name on it.    Now, that I look back at all of the rash decisions, I remember keenly every conversation, every gut feeling and even every prayer prayed hoping that what I knew wasn’t the truth.  Alas, what I knew was truth and what I’m dealing with is my unwillingness to acknowledge the truth I already knew.  Have you ever blown your life up?  Have you ever knew something, but didn’t do your due diligence to check the facts?  Think about it and then evaluate what trauma initiated it and what drama it has caused.

 

Until next time,

Be blessed, be loved but most of all BE YOU!!

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