Category Archives: Breaking Destructive Habits

Invitable Changes and Power Struggles

Well, it’s the 1st of November 2014. I’m in a much better place spiritually than I was at the beginning of the year. Of course some bumps in the road, but they were/are simply growing pains.  I’ve come to the realization that I am weird…and it’s okay, because I’ve been learning self love which includes all of my quirks and eccentricities. Being your authentic self is a lot to work through, because we’ve essentially been put in the boxes of family expectations, career/job requirements and everyday lives of conformity.  I’m learning at this junction in my life to be willing to upset some people.  It could be your parents, it may be your boss and it just may be societies conformist.  Power struggles are inevitable because everyone wants to be important.  And it’s okay, but you have a right to decide who and what has importance and significance in your life.  Life is a gift and anything or anyone that drains the energy out of your life has to be eliminated.

The Divine, I no longer call it God, because it’s so commercial, made us in it’s image. And the Divine is energy, therefore we are energy as well, but with the Divine also giving us free will, we decide how we cultivate that energy and make it grow or deplete.  Anything or anyone causing a deficit in your energy supply must go…that includes your old ways, beliefs and phobias.

I’ve been studying Chakra (our energy centers) healing and balancing, meditating and setting intentions.  It seems the Eastern part of the world knew of these divine things far, far longer than us Westerners.  Thank the Divine for the internet.

We’ve been forced to bottle up so much of ourselves in an ill-fated effort to fit in. But once we start clearing all of the debris and rubbish, we will then shine as bright as the Gold that the Divine intended.  I’ve learned that the very things that your parents, most likely, punished you for, or stifled or dismissed is a major part of your purpose.  Think about it…were you just a talkative little kid and was always in trouble for something you said, well, you may have been purposed to be some sort of orator.  Were you always in trouble for not being able to keep still or a busybody, perhaps you’re a world-traveler, were you accused of not obeying authority, perhaps you’re someone who is called to correct authority.  Just think about the thing/s that were a constant struggle for you when you were under your parents supervision and cultivate that.  The Divine will meet you there.

Be Blessed, Be Loved but most of all BE YOU!!

Light and Love!!

We Don’t Need Another Hero

I’m in the midst of an extreme affinity to Tina Turner, her music, her spirit, her strength and her class.  I feel this kinship with her that I’ve never had with any other artist. We have so many similarities, not that I’ve ever been abused physically as she has, but so many others. I’ve literally been saturating myself with all things Tina Turner.  I’ve probably watched every video that is on youtube about her, old interviews, performances etc.  There’s one interview in particular that’s very short, about 3.5 minutes, that she did with Ebony Jet back in 1986, that  I swear brings me to tears every time I’ve watched it. She’s talking about finding her place, finding her ground. Lord knows, that’s what I’ve been seeking, MY GROUND!!  I’m even in tears now just thinking about it.  We all have a place that we feel most at home, so to speak.  And it’s not necessarily the place where you were born or where your family is.  But what we have to do is overcome the fear or even do it afraid and go forth to find our place.  God will order your steps if you believe.  I’ve known for a looooooonnnnnnnnggggg time that where I am is not my place.  Things have been drying up for years but, at this time, the well is DDDDRRRRRYYYYYYY!  But, as God said to Ezekiel, these dry bones can live.

I’ve  bought ten, yes, 10 of her CD’s and 2 live DVDs.  I’ve read her book twice in 5 days. I’ve even been learning some of her dance moves, and for those of you that know me, they know that’s rather difficult considering  that I’m rhythmically challenged, LOL. I’ve even lost 7 pounds, in a week, learning those dance steps. Now I’ve had several of her CDs and I even read her book in the past, my teenage years, but they have a different significance at this time in my life.  Maybe, because she was approximately my age when she decided to make a drastic change in her life. It’s a testament that it is NEVER too late.

Following are the lyrics to a song that many didn’t really listen to, they are absolutely profound.  It’s talking about generational curses…we ALL have them. 

“We Don’t Need Another Hero” By Tina Turner

OUT OF THE RUINS
OUT FROM THE WRECKAGE
CAN`T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE THIS TIME
WE ARE THE CHILDREN THE LAST GENERATION
WE ARE THE ONES THEY LEFT BEHIND
AND I WONDER WHEN WE ARE EVER GONNA CHANGE
LIVING UNDER THE FEAR, TILL NOTHING ELSE REMAINS
WE DON`T NEED ANOTHER HERO
WE DON`T NEED TO KNOW THE WAY HOME
ALL WE WANT IS LIFE BEYOND THUNDERDOME
LOOKING FOR SOMETHING
WE CAN RELY ON
THERE`S GOTTA BE
SOMETHING BETTER OUT THERE
LOVE AND COMPASSION
THEIR DAY IS COMING
ALL ELSE ARE CASTLES BUILT IN THE AIR
AND I WONDER WHEN WE ARE EVER GONNA CHANGE
LIVING UNDER THE FEAR TILL NOTHING ELSE REMAINS

ALL THE CHILDREN SAY
WE DON`T NEED ANOTHER HERO
WE DON`T NEED TO KNOW THE WAY HOME
ALL WE WANT IS LIFE BEYOND
THUNDERDOME

SO WHAT DO WE DO WITH OUR LIFES
WE LEAVE ONLY A MARK
WILL OUR STORY SHINE LIKE A LIGHT
OR END IN THE DARK
GIVE IT ALL OR NOTHING

WE DON`T NEED ANOTHER HERO
WE DON`T NEED TO KNOW THE WAY HOME
ALL WE WANT IS LIFE BEYOND
THUNDERDOME 

The Pathology of YOU Pt. 3

The wounds inflicted by adults on children, passively or actively, are more than devastating but debilitating…they distort and deplete the child’s God-given right to explore the possibilities of life and experience the joy of living out his/her own divinity” Iyanla Vanzant’s  Peace from Broken Pieces. P. 66-67

So, what did I allow in my life. A man that was emotionally and  physically unavailable.  I met this man while I was on a ministry trip in London.  Honestly, I didn’t even pay attention to him but apparently he noticed me.  We became good phone buddies and he served the purpose of the healing that God knew I desperately needed. That was the reason.  There’s always a reason, a season or a lifetime, be careful because you can get them confused. The problem came when after years of friendship, 7 to be exact, we tried to make it into something else.  And what we did in the end, was ruin the friendship.  This man listened like no other, we could talk about anything and everything…that’s all we could do, hell, he was 3500 miles away.  I know now, that that was God’s only purpose in establishing this relationship.  But I developed the hero syndrome.  I fell in love with this man and was basically devastated when he couldn’t deliver what I needed physically.  In hindsight, I’ve noticed that it was completely insane for me to ask, considering, again, he was 3500 miles away and of course the 5 hour time difference made it even more difficult.  If I got home at 9 pm from a long day, I couldn’t call him, it was 2 am there.  He couldn’t be there to give me a hug after a long day, he couldn’t take me out to dinner, we couldn’t go to movies…we couldn’t date and relate. We saw each other twice in that whole 7 year period.  Let me dispel the cliché, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”…that BS is a lie.  I can tell you that first hand.   Let me tell you what absence does do, it makes you frustrated, lonely, angry and horny. I told this man, several times that I loved him and was in love with him, I don’t remember him ever telling me, not once. The nail in the coffin was him actually saying to me, “Marcella, you are my friend right”, not his girlfriend.  What I learned from that statement is that although, WE had decided to try to make it into a “romantic” relationship, he wasn’t ready.  It’s like pushing a 2 ton cart up a hill.  If you both aren’t putting forth effort, it’s futile. And after all of that, I ended up feeling like I’d wasted years pining for a man that I would never have.  It took a year for me to get over that hump, but God knew that he had to remove him in that fashion, because it stopped me from comparing every guy to him.  He was not and is not God’s ideal for me. We tried several times to make it our ideal…it never manifested.  By the end, we disappointed each other so much, we damaged the relationship…we haven’t spoken in over a year. That incident happened a little over 2 years ago.  After, we overcame that hurdle and tried to go back to being friends, the damage was done, so a friendship is dead. Our expectations for one another were unrealistic.

Where did I learn to desire unavailable men?  From both my mother and father.  My mother “dated” men that were in jail…unavailable; living with their parents…unavailable; I can even remember a couple of married men…unavailable.  My father, shit, he just wasn’t there ie unavailable.  What did that teach me? That some men can be all talk, good talk, loving talk but when it comes time to deliver…they’re mouth can write a check that their ass can’t cash.  THIS IS BY NO MEANS ALL INCLUSIVE…I am not a man hater, I loves me a good-smelling, handsome man, lol!!!  That relationship, helped me to see the gift that men can be, he was a good listener and a good friend, inevitably healing that dysfunctional part of me that was destroyed due to molestation.  He was God’s leading man in that area of my life.  The detriment only came after WE tried to make it into something else.  Remember always, there’s a reason, a season or a lifetime.  Be sure not to try to make one into the other.

Are you available to those that love you?  Are you trying to make something out of nothing? Are you chasing unavailable men, whether physically, emotionally or spiritually?

Until Next Time,

Be Blessed, Be Loved but most of all BE YOU!!

“Daddy Gone”

In “Peace from Broken Pieces,” Iyanla says, “when you inherit a broken family, you can’t throw it away and get a new one.  What you can do is find people and situations that provide for you what your family cannot.” (p. 63)

What continually amazes me about coming from a single parent home is the parent that stayed is the one that is the most dishonored.  But, to be honest, I only recently stop to think that she was trying to do the job of two people…she was a child, how in hell was she going to accomplish that.  Today, I can call my dad and talk to him about anything. Not that I call him often. Why, because he’s still the knight in shining armor that I needed him to be when I was five.  Although, he wasn’t there to help me navigate mom’s mood-swings, he wasn’t there to tuck me in, he wasn’t there to teach me about how a lady should be treated,  he wasn’t there to protect me from my molester.  The only way that he could dodge all of that was not to be there.  My father was 20 years old when I was born and was on a naval ship in the middle of nowhere.  I honestly believe that I’ve been trying to maintain the image that’s always been in my head of what a father would be, therefore, I don’t see or talk to him a lot because when I do, I realize he’s just a man.  As Iyanla said on Super Soul Sunday, “Daddy Gone.”

That’s really difficult to say…”Daddy Gone”, why, because it smacks me/you back into the reality of knowing that I’m not 5, I’m 35.  By this age, most people have children of their own.  We will always need that father figure in our lives and unfortunately, it may not actually be your biological father who provides it.  He cannot provide for you, now, what you needed then.  Time has passed.  We must figure out how to have relationships with our parents, as adults, just as we would with any other person.  If you notice that your parents have personalities that clash constantly with yours, be real about it.  We can only take some people in spurts or sporadically, because you and I are grown, the same goes for our parents.  We are no longer children, so your parents and you have to realize that.  I tell my mom all the time, you no longer have children, you now have a grown son and a grown daughter.  Does that mean I don’t need you, NO, it simply means that I’ve reached an age where, some things I have to navigate for myself and in my own way.  I don’t love you any more or less, if I don’t call you as often.  I have to live my life from here on out as an adult with responsibilities, choices and decisions that only I have to live with and make. So don’t take it personally, I am GROWN and sexy…had to add that.

Are you trying to make you father the daddy that he never could be?  Are you crucifying your mom for trying to do the job of two people and not being able to do it successfully or the way that you thought it should be done?

Until Next Time,

Be Blessed, Be Loved but most of all BE YOU!!

Breaking Destructive Patterns Pt. 2

By the end of the week he found someone he liked, so he let me know that if I liked, I didn’t have to work the following week.  Considering I wouldn’t be eligible for vacation or even a sick day for a while with the other job, that was nice.  That entire week between the two jobs I spent looking for another job, so that I wouldn’t have to start the new job, which I’d just agreed to do.  I didn’t get any responses during that week, so reluctantly, faking excitement, I started the new job that Monday.  The hours were from 6:30am to 5:30pm Monday through Thursday, which I didn’t mind because I’m an early bird. The traffic coming from Alexandria after 5:30 is HORRIFIC.  I’d get home between 7 and 7:30pm, grabbed something to eat, be in bed by 9pm so that I could wake up at 4:30am and do it all over again.  Now, like I said before, the hours weren’t the problem.  The problem was that I was spending approximately 15 hours of my day doing something that I hated doing.  Something for which I had personal passion.  I was building another man’s house and letting mine crumble. Building another man’s wealth and I was living paycheck to paycheck. By that Wednesday, I knew that this was absolutely, positively not the job or place for me.  The staff was great but there’s always that one, that if you met them in a back alley with your gun, it would have been on.  This lady was a dictatorial, want to be managerial, condescending, overbearing 50 year old receptionist.  I later found out that there had been another person in this position but she quit after 4 days and the only reason that they created this position in the first place is because the Business Manager gave the Dentist and his wife, the Office Manager, an ultimatum.  She told them, that it was either her or the receptionist. They chose to create another position. By that Wednesday afternoon, I was so overwhelmed and pissed, that they allow someone, to dictate the atmosphere of their office and someone as lowly as a receptionist.  Don’t misunderstand me, reception work is honorable, you are the face of the company.  I, in fact was being hired as the Hygiene Care Coordinator…Receptionist #2, lol  So, it’s now 2 of us at the front desk, and of course being that new person, I’m kind of getting a feel for everything, but I noticed that everybody in the office, except the dentist and his wife, didn’t get along with this one person.  Now, if there’s a staff of 10 and there’s one person who causes friction with the rest of your staff AND they’ve been there less than a year, and the rest of your staff has been there 5 years+, wouldn’t you get rid of the person causing dissension in the ranks.  But further observation revealed that it was because the girl was a money-hound. That’s why they kept her.  I have never seen someone talk to a patient/customer, anyone that you’re serving, the way she did.  It was downright rude and jaw-dropping.  They’ve lost people, patients and now staff, because of it.  This office was run completely different from which I came.  We were a modern dental office, so EVERYTHING, was computerized, this office was still pulling paper charts and doing silver fillings, very obsolete. And the dentist wasn’t that old, so that’s what made it even more baffling.  I was so stressed out by that Friday, my day off.  I spent the whole weekend in the house, stressed, with indigestion, severe heartburn and diarrhea. It took me 2.5 years at the other office to feel these some symptoms, it took 4 days at this new office.  WTH, I had made one of the biggest mistakes of my life and my body was letting me know loud and clear.  The last time these symptoms happened, my doctor said that he’d send me to a specialist, because they were becoming so severe.  That Monday I went into the office, feeling terrible.  The chest and stomach pain would not go away.  I should’ve called out sick but I’m thinking I’ll go in and let me see how much pain I’m in and they’ll understand.  I had converted to a lettuce diet, that didn’t help either.  So, that afternoon, during my lunch break, I called my doctor, full well knowing what he was going to say. But the kicker is I have to go to see my doctor to get the referral for the specialist because this hasn’t happened since mid-last year.  He didn’t have anything available on Tuesday because he was at his other office, which doesn’t have my records, so Wednesday was going to have to work.  I went back into the office to let them know that I had to go to my doctor on Wednesday.  I was told that, “well, we paid for the whole staff to have the CPR certification done on Wednesday, can you go another day.”  WTH, I’m in dire pain and have been for the last 3 days and you’re trying to strong arm me into a class that you paid, $22, for yourself to take, and added my name at the last moment.  Not going to happen.  I came in that Tuesday, and he, the dentist, asked me, “were you able to change your appointment”.  NO, I was not…I hadn’t tried and was not going to.  I’ve been living on lettuce and water for 4 days now, WTF is wrong with you people.  The day was awkward, needless to say. The next morning I woke up, still in pain, not as bad, but still in pain.  My appointment was a little later in the day, so I proceed to ask God, “what’s really going on, I know, you’re trying to tell me something.”  And His answer came as clear as day, this is not where you’re supposed to be, but I allowed you to move, because you were so comfortable in an uncomfortable situation, that would have never left had there not been another job already lined up. And then I had to make you miserable beyond compare in that job. “

Wow, I had become so comfortable, but not content, in a miserable position and had deduced myself to accepting it.  It all stems back from not loving yourself and not thinking that you deserve more.

Has God ever had to force you into doing something? What destructive behaviors  do you have that have you stuck it uncomfortable positions, whether it’s a job, a relationship, an addiction?

Until Next Time,

Be Blessed, Be Loved, but most of all Be YOU!

Breaking Destructive Patterns

In the book, Peace from Broken Pieces, Ms. Iyanla starts by detailing a very traumatic experience in her personal life that shook her to her core but this shaking caused her to further realize her purpose and become more of who she was called to be.

She says, The good news is that when you have something to do, life will not allow you to move forward until you do it.  The bad news is the same.”

Well, damn, that explains my current struggle and honestly past ones as well.    A little background about me, I’m recently unemployed after being at a job for 5 years that I did well but hated, the dislike was gradual.  I went to another office, doing the same exact thing, was there for 6 days and felt like I had been there for 5 years, the anxiety, stress and the heartburn that took 2 years for me to get at the other job was there in 6 days, so I quit.  I’ve recently obtained my real estate license, which is tied to one part of my destiny.  Because of this I’ve been temping with a small agency that works in a form of real estate, not necessary what I want to do with my license but it is something for now…it’s barely paying the bills, okay, it’s not paying the bills.  I may need to ask my father can I come and stay with him for a while. How humbling is that, who wants to stay with their parents at 35. Anyway, I’ve applied for numerous jobs, gone on five interviews and have yet to find a job…mind you, in the not so distant past, if I made it to the interview; I always got the job, so this is just baffling to me. I believe I know why I haven’t found a permanent job, because when you have an entrepreneurial spirit, it shines through, it’s almost like a veil or cloak that you can’t hide and all of these employers saw it.  This is even after having great camaraderie with the interviewer, so it seemed. That being said, Iyanla explains that “first you are humbled, and then you get clear. Once you’re clear about who you are, what you do and what you are being called to do, you become powerful…you character becomes stronger, You’re propelled to a higher level of responsibility for yourself; into a deeper appreciation for all of the pieces in your life and into a deeper level of accountability to God.” (paraphrased p. 3)  She further explains, that fear will make your resistant, rebellious, defiant and disobedient.” (p. 3)

Okay, so why did I stay at a job for 5 years that I was good at but didn’t like doing.  Because I’ve always been taught to take what I can get, without question…til this day, my mom is still insisting that I call the dentist that I worked for and try to get my job back.  When I told her that I was leaving, she said but he’s a nice guy and has even given you advances when you needed it, she also said and it’s easy for me, meaning her, to get to your job.  Well, if I have to get an advance because I don’t have enough to pay for the bare necessities, ie car note and rent, then I need to find another job anyway.  Well, that’s what I did…sort of.  One night I was having yet another conversation with my bestie, check out her blog ladyrarabloom.wordpress.com,  about how much I can’t stand this job and how it has no bearing on what I’m called to do in this life. On my way home, that very night, one of the temps who had worked at the office a few months prior, sent me a text message saying that the dentist she works for is hiring.  I had mixed feeling about it but thought, what the hell, I’ll send my resume and if they can offer me more than this, then surely this is an answer to my prayers.  Wrong, wrong, wrong…I hated the job, not the dentist I worked for, although he was/is a little annul and sometimes condescending, he wasn’t a bad guy. THE JOB IS WHAT I HATED, WHY WOULD I APPLY FOR A JOB THAT I DIDN’T LIKE DOING, there was no upward mobility. Because again, “the take what you can get mentality” that I was operating in. Anyway, sent my resume, went on the interview and because I had an inside scoop, the temp who told me of the job, let me know that it went great and that they really liked me, but if I really wanted to impress them, to send them a thank you card, because that would give me a huge boost.  Well, I not only sent them a thank you card, I sent the staff an Edible Arrangement…an $80 fruit basket, I’ve never done that before and I never will again.  I’d now advanced the mentality from “take what you can get”, to “take what you can get and send them a gift to let them know you’re grateful to be at the bottom” mentality.

Well, that Saturday, the dentist’s wife, the office manager, calls me, I was sitting on the toilet…not sure why that’s relevant but anyway, and tells me that they would like me to join they’re staff and that I would be making this amount and benefits would be this and that.  Now, when someone calls to let you know you got the job, you should be excited, I was not.  I was doubtful from the beginning but I was also blinded by the fact that I would be making almost $15K more per year and would get medical benefits, which I didn’t have.  I’ve never been money driven, but this time, I convinced myself that this was the answer to my prayer, honestly I knew it wasn’t.  I wasn’t doubtful about the dentist or if I could do the job, I knew I could, I had done it successfully for almost 5 years.  I was doubtful because it was the last thing I wanted to do and I knew deep down it was a trap.  I accepted the position.  I literally said 3 words during that conversation, Thanks, that’s great.  I got off of the phone and thought, what the hell am I doing.  I called my bestie and let her know I’d gotten the job, she was thrilled because I acted like I was thrilled but at the same time, I also talked about how I had no intention of staying at this job for more than a year.  I was talking about leaving that job the same day I got it…not a good sign.  She was supportive as she always is, she will check me if I’m in the wrong, which is why she’s a good friend.  Well, that Monday, I gave my 2 week notice, and the dentist was sad but said he understood and he had known it was coming because he knew I was interested in real estate.  When he asked me where I would be going, I told him another dental office, he was utterly confused, as was I.

What destructive patterns have you followed and know that you need to stop but haven’t? Why haven’t you stopped?

Until Next Time,

Be Blessed, Be loved but most of all BE YOU!